Not everyone has the luxury of going out with a bang. Face it, tons of people get shafted (sometimes literally, continue reading) and are doomed to be laughed at for eternity not for their lifelong merits but how humorous was their exit. Here are our favorite seven deaths.

7. Tree: 1, Jogger: 0

Anyone who jogs regularly has to deal with the fear of dying in some improbable and embarrassing way. Ever since Jim Fixx (http://goliath.ecnext.com/coms2/gi_0199-1546177/Running-heart-disease-and-the.html), the famous jogging advocate, died while jogging, comedians have taken harsh aim at fitness gurus who die following their own advice. This is because most comedy writers are pale, flabby creatures who hate anyone capable of going more than ten yards without spitting up phlegm and collapsing to the ground in a wheezing clump.

Look ma, no belt!

Normally people who die while exercising either succumb to heart attack, heat stroke, or the crushing weight of an ambitiously loaded barbell. Two joggers earlier this year, however, found a novel new way to die while out for a stroll. On July 29, 2009, a man was jogging through Central Park when a 100-pound tree branch fell off the tree and cracked his skull wide open. He’s currently in a coma and despite rising health care costs, still spends less per year on medical fees than the crazy-as-crack-robotically-enhanced-celebrity, Heidi Montag.

John Connor, where the hell are you when we need you the most?

A few days later, a jogger in Philadelphia was even less fortunate. She was running in Fairmount Park when a 30-foot long branch hit her from 50 feet up. She died instantly. Police suspect she didn’t hear the branch snap because she was listening to her music player.

6. Why I Will Never Ski

Picture this. You’re up in the Italian Alps, finally taking a much needed vacation from the stress of your upper-class lifestyle. The ski lift crests over one of the smaller peaks, and you see the whole glorious mountain range unfold in front of you. You let out a satisfied sigh, that terminates rather suddenly in a throaty scream as the wing of a jet fighter clips the cord that keeps your lift aloft and sends you, and everyone else in the cable car, falling to a gruesome demise.

The DANGER ZONE.

This SOUNDS like a ludicrously unlikely set of circumstances, but it actually happened back in 1998. A U.S. Marine jet in the middle of a training run over the Dolomite mountains clipped the cable of a ski car and killed twenty people. In retrospect, those skiers should have known better than to risk provoking the ire of anything even tangentially related to Dolomite.

While this was a ridiculously rare, one-off accident that will probably never be repeated again in history, it still stands as proof of one of the universe’s great truths: What goes up, must come down…and die.

5. Sign, Sign, On Your Head a Sign

It’s not really surprising that Taco Bell kills people. I have no doubt that millions of Americans have died with fat from Taco Bell burritos and chalupas clogging up their greasy arteries. Apparently choking scores of people’s hearts with greasy meat-wraps wasn’t creative enough for Taco Bell, so they found a novel new way to make the world a more terrifying place.

#109 on the “List of Innocuous Objects That Can Crush You To Death At Random”

In April of this year Diana Durre died after her pick-up truck was crushed by a 65-foot tall Taco Bell sign. (http://www.northplattebulletin.com/index.asp?show=news&action=readStory&storyID=16446&pageID=3). The sign decided to fight back after years of being commercially represented by a Chihuahua and finally stake its independence to the world. At the same time, Mrs. Durre decided it would be a good place to meet a couple from the Internet who wanted to sell them…ironically a dog. An expert stated that the accident probably resulted from the fact that building inspectors are lazy, or retarded, or both.

“I’ve never met a building inspector yet who wanted to ride a bucket up 65-feet to inspect a weld,” said Faggin McNutty, an employee of Love Signs in Grand Island.

I understand wanting to cut corners with your work. Hell, half the time I have to reference something I make the name up. But when the lives (or at least the convenience) of thousands of motorists are in your hands, you’d think taking a short ride up to make sure your sign is held together with more than just hillbilly spit and prayers wouldn’t be too much of an imposition.

Safety inspectors at Chernobyl noted that everything ‘looked okay in the pictures’ and that it would probably be a waste of time to visit in person.

Its an unsettling but unavoidable fact that every day we go outside we put our lives in the hands of people who are just as stoned and incompetent as we are. That’s the price we pay for civilization.

4. Death at a Funeral

Being God has got to get pretty boring after a while, which is probably why he’s made such a habit of one-upping himself. Seldom is this so obvious than in the tragic death of Brazilian widow Marciana Silva, who died when a rear-ender sent her husband’s coffin crashing into the back of her skull. She perished instantly, presumably unaware that she’d just qualified for a Gold Metal in the 2008 Irony Olympics.

Hearse, don’t it?

Mrs. Silva’s tragic demise is more proof that the only safe way to dispose of bodies is to cremate them. The Big Lebowski got it right after all.

Fuck it, man. Let’s go bowl.

3. The Dangers of Elevators

Anyone who’s ridden the Tower of Terror in Disneyworld knows that elevators are not to be trusted. Shoddy engineering, sudden emergencies, and vengeful ghosts are all capable of turning a peaceful trip upstairs into a fatal communion with the forces of gravity. Usually, though, elevators can’t hurt you until you actually step inside of them.

If your bellhop looks like this, it might be not be a bad idea to go look for another hotel.

At least that’s what I thought before I heard about the terrible fate of Doctor Hitoshi Nikaidoh, who was decapitated when it became lodged between the doors of a rising elevator car. Try to picture that for a moment. You’re on your way upstairs, just cruising along doing your daily routine, when suddenly disaster strikes. The elevator door closes prematurely and because you don’t have perfect posture, your head gets chopped off.

As the floor of the elevator tears your head from your neck, you realize all those days hunched over a computer Googling Jessica Alba pics while playing WoW have set you up with a bad case of scoliosis.

We sow the seeds of our own destruction.

While Nikaidoh is so far the only person who has ever actually died in this fashion, one of the characters in the Final Destination series met their end in the same way. I’m not clear on international medical regulations, but I’m fairly certain that qualifies this as an epidemic. The only reasonable solution is to ban all elevators everywhere from use.

Above: Precedent.

2. You Can Get Stuck Down The Drain

Granted, the drain that killed Lionel Desjardins was a bit larger than the average bathtub drain. This tragic incident should still stand as the proof positive every 3 year-old-needs to not trust mommy and daddy when they swear you won’t get sucked down the drain. http://www.thespec.com/news/article/330908

Lionel had just been mugged when he noticed that his wallet had been tossed down a storm drain by a robber who was apparently too much of a dick to leave it on the sidewalk. While he waited for the police to arrive Mr. Desjardins apparently decided he might as well go after the wallet himself. After all, getting a driver’s license replaced is one unholy pain in the ass, right?

Some would argue that avoiding the DMV is worth the risk of death.

While he was down there rooting around for his belongings, Lionel got stuck. The police arrived in time to find the poor bastard wedged deep into the drain with only his feet sticking out. Displaying a marked lack of common sense, Lionel somehow managed to get himself stuck so deep down the drain that firefighters had to use the winch of a passing tow truck to get him out. He died shortly thereafter of ‘being yanked out of the sewer by a big ass tow truck’-related injuries.

Oh yeah, I’m sure that’s gotta be safe for people too.

Stories like this are why it’s wise to sometimes give in to the tides of fashion and pick up a fanny pack. Unlike MC Hammer pants, fanny packs are a trend of yesteryear that could have saved this poor man’s life.

1. Exploding Chair Causes Fatal Rectal Injuries

Some unfortunate Chinese kid’s chair exploded right from under him. Pressure built up in the adjustable height cylinder until it exploded and pierced the poor kid’s hindquarters. Nothing I can say could possibly make this any more terrifying or less hilarious. Having your rectum impaled by chair parts is pretty much the worse way for a computer nerd to go. Betrayed by that which is the source of pleasure, how cruel.

Rectum? Damn near killed ‘em. Except it did kill him, which either ruins the joke or makes it much funnier.