Whether it is a phone call in the middle of the night or a diagnosis that catches you by surprise, planning a funeral for a loved one is never easy. Taking time to plan your own funeral can take away one of the hardest tasks you can ever put a loved one through. Most of the time, it is one of those things that we’ll “get around to” one of these days. No one has ever figured out a way around death but planning a funeral shouldn’t have to be a taboo subject. Personalizing and making the event a celebration of the person is more important than being afraid to ask questions. Whether you are pre-planning or have just gotten the terrible news that someone you care for is suddenly gone, an important thing to remember is this: YOU are in charge of the final arrangements and you have the right to make requests that will help personalize the memorial. Don’t be afraid to ask if something can be done.
Vital Information – Download this page to obtain important details from your loved one, or use it to provide your family with necessary information in the event of your untimely passing.
Procedural Checklists – Find a step by step layout of what needs doing, from choosing the type of burial to selecting the right music. Later lists in the queue have advice on living with grief.
Help With Expenses – From the Social Security burial benefit to military and organizational assistance, this site lists potential sources of help paying for funeral expenses as well as tips to avoid over-spending due to grief.
Preplanning Recommendations – Although pre-planning is recommended, it doesn’t always happen and these guidelines are valuable planning tools in either circumstance.
Comforting Choices - This site will provides links to a wide array of topics that will help you decide how to personalize the ceremony, whether you choose a small-town family owned funeral service or an alternative memorial service.
There are many checklists available to help you, whether planning or plowing through your grief trying to get through the moment. Was the decedent part of any organized religion? Often, certain denominations have requirements and rituals that are routinely observed. Speaking with the pastor or other leader in the church can get you started. If you are planning, making your wishes known to the church leader ahead of time can give that person time to prepare. Local decisions include choosing a funeral home or mortuary that you are comfortable with, or electing to have a non-traditional ceremony. Again, a local mortuary or funeral home could advise you on state and local ordinances that could impact your wishes for a non-traditional service.
Catholic Mass Planner - This guide helps you to plan a funeral mass according to the Church’s guidelines. Consulting with your local priest would also be advised because traditions vary between archdioceses.
Traditions In Ceremony – Most religions are covered in this site that explores cultural treatment of death and burial. Local traditions are still found and should be honored if the decedent would have desired so.
Casket or Urn – Choosing whether cremation is an option you would consider may be easier if you are familiar with the process and have read through some of the more frequently asked questions on the subject.
You will also need to choose between traditional casket burial or cremation. Planning can help removed the guilt associated with choosing the perfect casket over choosing by cost. Paying more for a burial casket is not proof that you loved someone more. Any burial caskets or urns that you are shown will vary in cost but they all accomplish the same task. Choosing a casket based on price and the way it looks should be the same as any other purchase, but grief can easily cloud those decisions.
Responsible Planning – People make plans for most of the important events of their lives but often fail to make financial arrangements for their loved ones. Examine some of the guidelines offered by accountants on estate planning and pre-pay your funeral expenses.
Environmental Concerns – If you or your loved one are aware of your carbon footprints, this site will help you make environmentally responsible decisions for your final disposition.
How Much is Too Much? - Access a basic checklist of what to expect when planning a funeral, especially expense-wise. In matters of law, this site references New York statutes. All states have their own laws so it is wise to check with trusted local professionals.
Financial Death Benefits – Find forms at this government link that will allow you to claim various beneficiary and death benefits.
Protecting What is Yours – Planning advice should include advice from an attorney on protecting assets if needing to move to an extended care facility. This publication will help you know what to ask for.
Obituary Writing – Personalizing an obituary is one way of memorializing your loved one and making sure that the deceased is remembered for what they brought to the community they lived in.
If you have chosen to have a viewing, what would your loved one want to be wearing? In the past, everyone was buried in their most formal clothes. Often, it may have been the first time the decedent had ever been seen in a suit or dress clothes by the living. It is completely acceptable to bypass the formal and go for a more personal approach. Again, since you are planning this, you can choose. If you are from a large family and there are several “planners”, it might be an easier and less emotional decision if you allow the funeral director to make suggestions. But, choosing a favorite color or a favorite piece of jewelry to personalize the loved one is perfectly acceptable. If the decedent had a favorite hairdresser, persons in that profession are accustomed to being asked to prepare a hairdo one last time for their favorite clients and most are honored to be asked. The funeral director can usually arrange for someone to do hair and makeup for you but it is important that you provide a picture of an acceptable style and also provide any makeup normally worn so your loved one looks their most natural.
Whether your ceremony is for an elderly relative or for a young child, there will still be grief. In preparing the eulogy it is important that the preparer know some of the likes and dislikes of the deceased. Funny memories and family stories help make the tension of a service bearable and help personalize the service. If you’re preparing a service for someone who wasn’t very nice, don’t “set-up” the eulogizer by failing to mention that the decedent wasn’t really someone that a lot of people will miss. Services should be tailored to suit the person. An important resource to consider is if the decedent was a member of any military or civil service organizations. Many times, those organizations will help with a small memorial service of their own and will also provide members to “stand vigil” at the casket. No matter the cause of death, there is usually something that can be learned or a positive slant that can be put on the service. It is already a sad event and to purposefully wrench more tears from already grief-stricken family is to take away from the celebration of the decedent’s life.
Consider Giving Life – One of the hardest decisions to make, particularly with the death of a child, is whether to donate organs. Read through the facts and decide what your choice would be so your family knows your wishes.
Weeks or Months – Terminally ill persons have an opportunity to help plan their services as well as get their estates in order, alleviating the responsibility for those left behind.
Explaining Death to the Young – Planning a funeral with children in mind seems like an overwhelming task but with this advice, making the passing of a loved one understandable by younger children can help them grieve in a healthy fashion.
Veterans Benefits – If your loved one served their country, they may be entitled to a death benefit and special burial privileges. Review this site to see if you think they may qualify.
Memorial Speeches – If you’re considering writing a personal eulogy, this basic guide will explain what to include to make your speech memorable.
Service Markers – The Veterans Service Administration has a program that is designed to provide a grave marker to anyone who has served their country. This site will lead you to where you may apply if your loved one served.
Did your great-aunt always love lilacs or were daisies her favorite? Personalizing the flower arrangements will have meaning if you know of the decedent’s wishes. Families will often add a bouquet of baby roses or carnations that is symbolic of the number of children or grandchildren. You can make these choices but the symbolism will mean more to family than to friends and acquaintances. Don’t beat yourself up worrying over details.
Roses or Lilies? – Explore the traditional meanings each type of flower is meant to convey when used in funeral arrangements and have your flowers not only be beautiful but meaningful as well.
Many times, churches will provide special music for services. Other funeral homes and mortuaries also have the means to provide background music. Pre-planning allows for personal favorites but the old standards are comforting as well. You may also want to gather pictures to place throughout the visitation site or utilize technology offered at the site and have a memorial video scrolling for persons standing in line to view on their way in.
Say Goodbye With a Song - Suitable lists of modern songs that have been played at funerals with samples of the song so you can see if you like it or not.
Traditional Catholic Songs – Listen to the top Catholic funeral songs and download the organ music for the songs you choose.
Video Tribute – Open this site to view an example of what most funeral homes can now provide if you can locate the family picture albums.
Memorial Contributions – Often, obituaries list a certain organization that the family wishes for donations to be made to in honor of their loved one. Sometimes, the organization is linked in some way to the cause of death.
Following the service, many churches and organizations have a volunteer ministry to provide a meal for those attending the ceremony. Though not necessary, it gives additional time for attendees to reminisce and talk and start the healing process. If no such organization is a part of your planning, there are often restaurants that have a room that is available or a catering service that can provide in a room of your choice. Smaller ceremonies often end at the home of a relative where many times, concerned family and friends have already dropped off food as a way of offering their condolences.
Meal Planning - If you’re doing the meal yourself, here is a site that offers recipes designed to feed large numbers of people. Perfect if you are involved in a church ministry that offers funeral meals or if you are interested in providing a meal in honor of your loved one.
There is no wrong or right way to plan a funeral. It will get done whether you put any effort into it or not. However, it is your last opportunity to honor someone that meant something to you and to many others. With some thought and preparation, it can be a celebration of that person’s impact on our lives, however brief. Be easy on yourself and let people help guide you through this terrible time and know that only time can help ease the pain.
Talking Helps – Learning to cope when you’ve lost someone you love is hard but talking about it does help. Finding out others know how empty you feel keeps you from feeling so alone.
Companionable Silence - Learning to let the grieving talk through their pain is the focus of this page.
Memorial Stones – Choosing a grave marker or headstone is one of the final things you can do in planning a funeral and often, the stone reflects the personality of the decedent.